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Post by scribbliz on Aug 10, 2012 17:58:41 GMT -5
the time away from kids, even just one gone, is a blessing. It's a stress relief...especially if you can time naps for younger ones to while the older is gone Don't feel guilty about wanting them gone; you need time for you! And don't feel guilty about the fear you're feeling either! Remember that the teachers are there to protect and teach your children...and they are learning more than letters and numbers...they are learning what is acceptable in social situations Also, I've found that teachers are more than willing to take the time to talk to you, they love when parents show an interest. You can ask his teacher about sitting in during the occasional class so you can see first hand how he's doing?? Best of luck!
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Post by PaperGrace on Aug 10, 2012 17:58:42 GMT -5
I think Freedom was pointing out a spacing issue (Sorry Freedom if I've got it wrong.) Return = Enter Hard Return = New line.
“Passage…?” James noticed the small boat, bobbing in the water. “No, thank you. I don’t need to go anywhere.” And definitely not with someone like him.
If you add one it seems like Charon says "No, thank you..."
“Passage…?” James noticed the small boat, bobbing in the water.
“No, thank you. I don’t need to go anywhere.” And definitely not with someone like him.
If you take one away it's correct.
“Passage…?” James noticed the small boat, bobbing in the water. “No, thank you. I don’t need to go anywhere.” And definitely not with someone like him.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 10, 2012 20:33:42 GMT -5
I think Freedom was pointing out a spacing issue (Sorry Freedom if I've got it wrong.) Return = Enter Hard Return = New line.“Passage…?” James noticed the small boat, bobbing in the water. “No, thank you. I don’t need to go anywhere.” And definitely not with someone like him. If you add one it seems like Charon says "No, thank you..."“Passage…?” James noticed the small boat, bobbing in the water. “No, thank you. I don’t need to go anywhere.” And definitely not with someone like him. If you take one away it's correct.“Passage…?” James noticed the small boat, bobbing in the water. “No, thank you. I don’t need to go anywhere.” And definitely not with someone like him. That makes sense. I interpreted it to mean that the characters emotions changed too fast (which I think they did) so I changed things around. The second one was actually a pasting issue. I had it the way you suggested before I posted it here. For some reason proboards removes all my formatting grr. I tried to fix what I saw but missed that. Is it doing that to everyone else?
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 10, 2012 20:41:18 GMT -5
Revised:
James felt something hard and flat wedged beneath his tongue. He forced his arm up to his mouth, his movements slow and heavy beneath the weight of the anesthesia. It was only after his fingers closed on the wet, warm source of the metallic taste that he remembered to be careful not to pull the IV from his arm. But there was no bite of the needle as it was wrenched from his vein. It must have already been removed.
The object under his tongue was a silver coin. Its inscription was hard to decipher in the dim hospital room and James spent no more than a second or two trying. He was more concerned with what it was doing in a postoperative patient’s mouth. He reached over his shoulder for the nurse’s call button, but his fingers only closed on cold, damp leaves.
James sat up, and the haze of anesthesia slipped away. He was on top of a circle of dark leaves and white flower petals. The ground was soft beneath the circle, giving under his weight like sand, but the terrain looked black below the gravid sky.
He’d been kidnapped, probably by a cult. James got to his feet, but felt none of the soreness he’d expected from surgery.
His hospital gown had been replaced with the jeans and shirt he’d worn to the hospital. He lifted the hem of his grey t-shirt to look for the four incisions the surgeon had mapped out with a marker.
There was nothing. No scar, just pale unmarked skin. Even the faint pink line where he’d lost his appendix as a child was missing. For a long moment he stared, slowly smoothing his hand across his abdomen. Nothing.
James dropped his shirt, and shifted his focus again to his surroundings. He noticed a trail of petals winding toward the water that had not been there a moment before.
There was only one way that flower parts could materialize like frogs on a rainy road and he knew exactly what that was.
“Ok, Dream,” James said, forcing his shoulders to relax, “this better lead to someone good-looking and naked. Either that or I get to fly. No left-over, brain-cleaning junk, got that?” James snorted. He began to walk, peeling off the leaves and petals still stuck to his clothes. Sand, black like on some Hawaiian beach, swallowed his shoes with each step and slowed his progress.
The trail ended at the shore. An aged, wooden pier jutted out above water so heavy with silt that it seemed to writhe in rayless coils. A figure stood at the end, shrouded in a vast, crimson cloth.
“You’re losing points, Dream,” James said as he stepped onto the slick walkway. “Watch it, or you’ll end up ranked below the time you made me spend all night shucking corn.” He moved closer, and he could see that the figure was an older man. He was big, at least a head taller than James. A white beard fell across his broad chest where it intermingled with his equally long, white hair.
It wasn’t until James was within touching distance that he saw that the man’s eyes were wrong. There were no whites, only glistening blacks and reflections that moved like smoke, but were of nothing present—of nothing that should ever be. James took a step back, prepared to retreat to the sludge and the sand before this changed into a worse sort of dream.
“Payment,” the man said, his voice a low rumble as he held out his hand.
“For what?” James took another step back.
“Safe passage.”
“Passage…?” James forced himself to look away from the man’s eyes. Behind him was a thin boat that was only large enough for two. The ends arched high above the water, ornately carved and black as obsidian. But the darkness faded as it reached the hull, as if the pigment had bled into the water, leaving nothing behind but bone.
The man’s hand was still outstretched, waiting. James had to search hard to find his voice. “No, thank you. I don’t need to go anywhere.”
“The offer will not come again for one hundred years.”
James laughed but it was nervous. “Unusual sales pitch, Buddy, but creative, I’ll give you that.” James pointed beyond the man’s shoulder. “But maybe I’ll see what that guy has to offer.”
The man frowned as he turned to look at the pale shanty boat drifting toward them. It was pieced together from items that looked like junk but only half of which James could identify. It resembled little more than a floating box, although it did have a small platform in front to aid in boarding. The roof of assorted scrap extended over the landing and was supported by two wooden posts. The entire thing reminded James of a shack his Uncle Clay lived in before the county had it condemned.
“I am the only one that traverses these waters,” the man said, as if by doing so he could make it true.
“Apparently not,” James said, smirking despite the unease still rolling in his belly.
The man picked up his oar. It was a massive thing, bone-colored and long, with one end terminating in a sharp and wicked hook. With no apparent fear of being pulled into the water, the man snared the support post on the shanty. His powerful muscles bunched visibly beneath the fabric as he dragged the boat in to the dock.
The door to the cabin opened and a young man with far too much dark hair stepped out.
“Charon, please,” the young man said. “I meant no harm.” His eyes were wide, furtively looking as if for a means to dislodge his boat.
“I am the only one that traverses these waters,” the man—Charon—repeated. Holding the oar steady with one thick hand, he drew a lengthy dagger from his cloak with the other.
Apparently James had reached the point where he was going to have to choose a tour guide. The decision wasn’t hard.
James tried not to think about what could go wrong as he stepped in between Charon and the shanty. He stomped his foot down on the oar near where it crossed the edge of the pier. He made a silent prayer that it would be enough to extricate the shanty. But he needn’t have worried because what actually happened was better. Charon dropped the oar.
The shanty lurched as it began to move, the young man nearly toppling from the door frame before he closed himself inside.
Not wanting to wait for Charon’s retaliation, James flung himself onto the shanty’s platform. His hip scraped the edge of the post, but he managed to catch hold of it, securing his balance before receiving any more injuries or falling into the oily waters.
He hoped this dream would at least give him a good laugh one day when he told the story over beers.
James took a steadying breath, and knocked on the shanty’s door.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 10, 2012 20:48:49 GMT -5
You three have saved my college career! Having to write and edit a story in a little over 24 hours was beyond my ability. I could not have done it without you! I need at least a week to get all the bugs out. I took suggestions from all of you so you can see how it turned out. I made James a lot more southern so that some of the things I was referring to would make sense. A shanty boat is like a floating shack, like a mini house boat made out of scrap. Ending it earlier was a great suggestion, much better than trying to leave parts out. Commas are something I struggle to understand, ha ha. I got a 2 out of 5 on every paper on comma use in both comp 1 & 2. One day I will master them though ;D Scribbliz: They do allow parents to sit in on a class. That's a great idea. I'll wait till he's settled in and then watch. He's very dramatic and bossy so I worry. He's also smart and sweet, but it's not always apparent Thank you all so much Feel free to point out more errors if you like, I am submitting this now, but I want to continue it after class.
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Post by scribbliz on Aug 10, 2012 21:13:00 GMT -5
hey readily, did a quick read through, and I love it! It's a great way to start a story; it's interesting, and even someone who doesn't know who charon is, or what the coin refers to will be intrigued. I love the flow and I love the added descriptions you have here. Now refering to the second boat as a "shanty" makes a lot more sense, and I can feel like I'm really there! I will later tonight or tomorrow, if you want, go through looking specifically for comma corrections I had a really strict teacher in english (my mom! I homeschooled) so I learned how to puntuate properly. I know somethings have changed (ie, it is now acceptable to start a sentance with a conjunction, but it bugs me to no end!) so I will try not to be too picky about stuff like that. And in dialog, all bets are off in terms of sentence structure! Write the way people talk, not the way grammer tells you to! LOL. I thought this was a really great beginning, and I cannot wait to read more!
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Post by Freedom on Aug 10, 2012 21:34:15 GMT -5
Freedom: If you happen to pop on here--what is a hard return? When you hit 'Enter' -- like, at the end of one line EnterEnterand then another to leave a space
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Post by PaperGrace on Aug 10, 2012 21:42:37 GMT -5
Wow! It's great! Much more immersive! (yes, I know Spell-Check, it's not a word, but immersive it is.) Glad we could help!
My only comment as I run off off to bed is this: ;D Shucking corn? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? I like that idea better than the shed painting, but it is WAY too easy to make it dirty. Mind you, most of your readers probably aren't going to be 14 year old boys trapped in the bodies of 35 year old Mammas, nor dirty old men.
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Post by Freedom on Aug 10, 2012 21:44:29 GMT -5
Wow!!! Love it love it -- tight and funny. And dark. Love the enhanced suth-ren touches, too: The entire thing reminded James of a shack his Uncle Clay lived in before the county had it condemned lol Woohoo!!!! /dance Ps, I'm truly on the beam with commas, available any time for a consult.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 10, 2012 21:55:45 GMT -5
Freedom: If you happen to pop on here--what is a hard return? When you hit 'Enter' -- like, at the end of one line EnterEnterand then another to leave a space Makes sense ;D I will commit that to memory! Thank you for inspiring this story! It wouldn't exist without you ;D I have no idea why I went with Charon and the Acheron instead of Phlegyas and Styx. This story is writing itself
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Post by Freedom on Aug 10, 2012 22:01:17 GMT -5
14 year old boys trapped in the bodies of 35 year old Mammas PaperGrace! You too?!?!? COOL!
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 10, 2012 22:01:21 GMT -5
Wow! It's great! Much more immersive! (yes, I know Spell-Check, it's not a word, but immersive it is.) Glad we could help!
My only comment as I run off off to bed is this: ;D Shucking corn? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? I like that idea better than the shed painting, but it is WAY too easy to make it dirty. Mind you, most of your readers probably aren't going to be 14 year old boys trapped in the bodies of 35 year old Mammas, nor dirty old men. Ha ha! A friend was telling me how he had this stupid dream where he and his Pastor were shucking corn and how it was the most boring dream of his life, so I changed it. I am so going to tell him what you said ;D Immersive is a lovely word. I got dinged for using the word "placify" because it wasn't a word, but I looked it up recently and it was added to the dictionary. Woot! My stories start out very rough, I usually need at least a week and a few drafts before I would dare show it to someone You guys worked a miracle ;D
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 10, 2012 22:03:28 GMT -5
14 year old boys trapped in the bodies of 35 year old Mammas PaperGrace! You too?!?!? COOL! If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? You seem very youthful (a good thing!) but your hair is silver in your pic. I'm glad you guys like the new version ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Freedom on Aug 10, 2012 22:05:18 GMT -5
Thank you for inspiring this story! It wouldn't exist without you ;D I have no idea why I went with Charon and the Acheron instead of Phlegyas and Styx. This story is writing itself I'm truly just so honored... ;D And, writing itself? that's an EXCELLENT sign ;D
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Post by Freedom on Aug 10, 2012 22:10:28 GMT -5
Hey! I use 'immersive' a lot -- and I love 'placify', I'm filing that one.
Um -- I'm scared this will change the way y'all relate to me (I'd hate that), but ... on Monday I'll be 60.
Time flies, girls. No $&(^.
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