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Post by scribbliz on Aug 29, 2012 10:50:46 GMT -5
So now I've quit your sphere I've moved away from home And for weeks I didn't hear from you You forgot about me
Even when I'd talk to you You had your mind on other things It was never just me in your thoughts And you forgot about me
I'm still your daughter, near or far The distance shouldn't matter But out of sight is out of mind And you forgot about me
When I lived but blocks from your home You'd call me every day I was in your world and you were in mine But now you've forgotten me
You didn't want us to move away You argued and kicked up a fuss But the moment we left is the very moment That you forgot about us
(please note, this is a very rough draft...I wrote it last night right before bed, and it hasn't really been edited)
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Post by Sparrow on Sept 10, 2012 9:12:31 GMT -5
You have a way of using simple language to its best effect. This poem is not flowery or over-stated, just to the point and blunt, but in a good way.... in a way that you'd probably speak when numb with pain. It gives the poem the shade I think you are looking for, since you also used a refrain.
Typo in verse 3, line 1: still
Verse 4, final line: correct grammar is "you've forgotten about me"
At first I wasn't sure you should change from "me" to "we/us" at the end, but I think I kind of like it that way. Somehow it adds a dimension to the whole thing, like you have become a new "unit" that is now separated, physically and emotionally.
Really good, and I get that you're in a first draft, but I think this can go places!
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Post by scribbliz on Sept 10, 2012 21:38:20 GMT -5
I changed the "me" to "we/us" because "we" are now my husband, myself, and our three daughters.
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Post by Freedom on Sept 16, 2012 21:17:25 GMT -5
Very moving, Liz. You show the hurtful contrast between the clutching on one hand and dismissal on the other (Sparrow -- no offence but I think 'you've forgotten me' is quite correct ... )
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Post by Sparrow on Sept 17, 2012 19:59:47 GMT -5
I changed the "me" to "we/us" because "we" are now my husband, myself, and our three daughters. Yes, I understand it was a change because of you and your husband and kids, but it just threw me at first because the focus changed from just "me" to "we".... but as I said, I like it!
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Post by Sparrow on Sept 17, 2012 20:03:15 GMT -5
(Sparrow -- no offence but I think 'you've forgotten me' is quite correct ... ) Yes, it is, Freedom! She changed it. It was "you've forgot about me" or something like that, before. Like this one a lot, sad but very effective.
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