new beginnings; Future of Flames

[scribbliz]

so, i re-wrote the beginning of chapter 1 of my story. This is just the beginning, and I'm wondering if it grabs attention?

FUTURE OF FLAMES - Intro in Chapter 1

Flames leap and dance before my eyes. Gleaming rivers of molten crystal flow down the cavern walls to pool on the sandy floor. The stench of burning rock fills the air, and it's becoming harder to breathe. I move back, pressing myself against the smooth wall behind me and watch as this cave is destroyed. The bundle in my arms squirms, and I pull my new daughter closer to my chest, silently begging her to remain quiet.

Kateraina blinks up at me, sea green eyes brilliant beneath a mop of black hair. I wrap her more securely in her blanket, wishing I knew how to keep her safe. A noise draws my attention from hr, and I look up to see two men moving among the flames. I can barely comprehend what I am seeing, but somehow I know these two men are controlling the fire. Dressed in clothes straight from the dark ages, the two men move in perfect harmony.

Fire streams from their hands, dancing around them. It burns hot enough to melt rock, and turn sand to glass. They are blanketing every square inch of the walls and now, they are moving towards us. I can smell the scorched rock, hear the crystals sizzle and feel my own heart pound in my chest. I am more afraid than I have ever been.

I pull Kateraina closer, and I gently cover her face with her blanket. It's a futile, helpless gesture. Insane to think, even for a moment, that this thin scrap of cloth can keep her safe. I can't protect her from this. Kateraina is going to die; I am going to die. There is nothing I can do to stop it; I can't even slow our demise. Regret pours through me: for Deirdre, death claiming her before she could know her daughter; for the pointless deaths of my team, my friends as they sacrificed themselves for us; but most of all for the loss of this precious life in my arms, so newly begun. Just moments ago, we were all alive and hopeful. How quickly our joy turned to sorrow.

I close my eyes as the fire rushes towards us. Memories of the last few days rampage through my head, and I let them pull me where they will.

[davidanthonyd]

I like it. I remember a few things from the writing course I took back in the 90's. One of tips was to start a story as late as possible. I think it does grab. At the same time it starts establishing the rules for your world. There are people that can control fire. Our hero isn't one of them, and he didn't know they existed before this moment.

I see the link in the last sentence to the flashback and the original beginning.

I think it is a much stronger beginning.

[scribbliz]

thanks david; I've added more rules throughout the next few chapters, to make some things more clear to. it's been interesting to see how the story is developing during editing; more changes are there than i thought and at the same time, fewer changes than I feared i'd have to make.