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Post by scribbliz on Jul 17, 2013 11:02:27 GMT -5
so, i have this scene in a short story where this guy reveals to a girl that he's her dad....right now he doesn't even have a name, which he needs. but beyond that right now he says "my name is _______. And I'm your father" which sounds WAAAYYY too "luke, I am your father" and i really don't wanna sound so star warsy (warsie? how would you spell that??) so, any ideas on how dude can announce that he's the chicks dad without sounding so......darth vaderesk? (ps, it's kind of old world, so he cant just go "hey, i'm your dad" ya know??
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Post by readilygrey on Jul 17, 2013 14:27:52 GMT -5
Your description made me laugh  I know what you mean though, I was trying to write a scene recently, and then realized I could have been writing Merlin fanfic. What if the father is more indirect? Like he implies he's the father, but has a hard time saying it? Or like he's starting at the beginning, explaining how he knew the mother? Even the slightest change in wording would change the Star Wars feel. I haven't read the story though, so I apologize if this is way off |
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Post by scribbliz on Jul 17, 2013 14:46:48 GMT -5
lol, i actually already have him describe how he knew the mom and such, but that once sentence just....arg! lol
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Post by readilygrey on Jul 17, 2013 14:51:24 GMT -5
What if it's implied to the point where the character says it instead? Such as she finishes his thought?
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Post by scribbliz on Jul 17, 2013 14:52:50 GMT -5
hmm...that might be an idea! thanks readily; i'll take a look at it again and see what i can work out  |
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Post by thecatsmother on Jul 19, 2013 10:13:12 GMT -5
Hehehe this thread made me laugh so much! Remembering a revelation of fatherhood in Felix Holt, which I read a few years ago as part of a George Eliot course, I wondered what wording she used. After quite a bit of rummaging I laid hands on my copy. Here, obnoxious Harold is having a flaming row with the family lawyer, the equally obnoxious Jermyn: "Let me go, you scoundrel!" said Harold, fiercely, "or I'll be the death of you". "Do" said Jermyn in a grating voice. " I am your father" Sorry Ms Eliot - I'm ashamed to say Lucas wins - I can't see the smarmy lawyer anymore - he's lost in Vader  Could your character put it the other way round - as in "you are my daughter"? Or if it's old world could he say something like "I gave you life" or "I brought you into the world" - oops that last sounds more appropriate for mum or the gynaecologist! |
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Post by PaperGrace on Jul 20, 2013 9:05:46 GMT -5
Are they alone in the scene? Could a third person in the know drop the bomb? She looks to him for confirmation, you get to show the emotional turmoil of his expression?
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Post by thecatsmother on Jul 21, 2013 5:18:01 GMT -5
I was at a house warming party yesterday afternoon and spotted a guy wearing a Darth Vader "I AM YOUR FATHER" t shirt - had to laugh!
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Post by scribbliz on Jul 21, 2013 10:27:33 GMT -5
there is a third person there, but he's more moral supporty type thing; i ended up using a "you're my daughter" thing instead of "i'm your father" cuz really, who wants the very last sentence if somethign you write to be a totaly star wars rip off.
catsmum, that's perfect! so awesome when you see something in real life that ties back to here!
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Post by readilygrey on Jul 25, 2013 10:59:45 GMT -5
"Let me go, you scoundrel!" said Harold, fiercely, "or I'll be the death of you". "Do" said Jermyn in a grating voice. " I am your father" Ha ha! Not only a great way to deliver the revelation, but remarkably true as well! ;D |
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I know what you mean though, I was trying to write a scene recently, and then realized I could have been writing Merlin fanfic.
