The Case of The Missing Collar -

[scribbliz]

I wrote this when I was about 14 or so, so bear with me. This is a direct copy of what I wrote then, no editting excpet for spelling mistakes. Feel free to be as harsh as needed! Any comment is welcome, and I am also trying to figure out what age group this would be good for. I am thinking around 5 or 6?
THE PAX AND DIRK FILES, CASE 1 - THE CASE OF THE MISSING COLLAR

CHAPTER ONE: THE IDEA

"One week left!" cried Pax, a clever curly haired pup. He glanced over his left shoulder at Dirk. "After that we're free for the summer!"

"Yeah, but what then?" replied Dirk. "It'll be great to be out of training school, but I don't feel like spending all my summer chasing squirles."

"So, we don't spend the summer chasing squirles...well, maybe one or two. We should spend it doing something new, something exciting, something like...yeah! Dirk it'll work! We can do it!" Pax started bouncing around excitedly.

"What, Pax? Do what? Pax, slow down, Pax" Dirk called as Pax zipped past him one more time.

Breathlessly, Pax skidded to a stop. "A detective agency, Dirk! Think about it! We could solve cases for the other pets in town! We'd take the cases the police don't have time for; I mean after all, they have the humans to take care of; we can do it, Dirk!"

"Wait, wait just a minute, Pax!" Dirk made sure Pax settled enough to hear him. "What makes you think WE could even solve a case? What do we know about investigating? We're still in school after all!"

"Well look at us, Dirk!" Pax replied. "I've always been good with putting puzzles together and finding things. I found my owner's earings just last week. And you! With your nose? Who can smell better than you? You can smell what's for lunch before breakfast is even served! And Gypsie, she still works at the pound right? They could help when we need backup! Come on, Dirk, trust me!" Pax tilted his head to the side, and gazed at Dirk.

"Alright, alright! Fine, Pax, I'll trust you...even if you do always get me into trouble." Dirk sighed, well at least his summer wasn't going to be boring!

CHAPTER TWO: THE CLIENT

Throughout the next week Pax and Dirk set everything up; they used an old shed out back of Anne's home, and Pax went on a shopping spree, typewritters, trench coats, hats, notepads, pens, the whole nine yards!

While Pax was out shoppng, Dirk was designing their own fliers, the posted them around town, and Dirk even contacted the local newspaper about an ad. Everything was set, now they just needed to wait.

They waited, and waited, and waited. As the first few days dragged by with no so much as a phone call or letter, they were beginning to get discouraged. But just as Pax was about to call it quits, the front door opened.

The two dogs couldn't have been more suprised! Their first client was none other than Mr. Chowser, the richest dog in town. He was a small oriental dog, lving on the right side of the tracks.

"I need your help," said Mr Chowser. "My favorite, most expensive collar has gone missing! I think it's been stolen!"

"Please, sir, come and sit down," Pax said, as he pulled out a cushion for Mr Chowser. "Please, sir, what can you tell us about this collar? Can you discribe it?"

"Well it's a gold collar with a silver clasp. It is set with three diamonds, four opals and two amethysts. The jewels are in this pattern: opal, diamond, opal amethyst, diamond, amethyst, opal, diamond and opal. They circle the entire collar save for the silver clasp. Here, I have a picture; I took one for the insurance."

"Thank you, may we keep this picture?" At Mr Chowser's nod, Dirk placed it carefully in a file folder. "Mr Chowser," Dirk began slowly, "you said you believed the collar was stolen. Can I ask why you think that, sir??"

"I saw the collar four days ago. I had a party on Saturday, and I went to see if it needed cleaning or polishing before the party. It was gleaming, so I left it in its case. Two days later, on Saturday when I got it out of my safe, it was gone. I checked all through my safe, I even looked through my entire room just in case. I know I put it away, I always do. It was the first collar my owner gave me, and I keep it safe."

"Well, Sir, I think the first thing we need to do is go to your home and have a look around? First thing tomorrow??" Pax said. At Mr Chowser's nod, they shook paws and parted ways.

CHAPTER THREE: THE INVESTIGATION

Early the next morning, Pax and Dirk arrived at Mr Chowser's home. They knocked on the door and soon the door was opened. Mr Chowser's butler was there.

"Pax and Dirk, Dog Detectives, here to see Mr Chowser," Pax said, handing the butler a business card.

"Yes, of course. My name is James. I am the butler here. If you will come in, I will take you upstairs to see Mr. Chowser." The butler, James, led them upstairs and knocked on the study door.

"Come in," called Mr Chowser. "Ah, our detectives are here. Excellent. Please, come in," said Mr Chowser, as he waved them in. "If you will come this way, I will show you the safe, and case the collar was in."

"May I ask who knows the combination to the safe??" Pax asked as they walked towards the safe.

"Well, myself, of course. And my maid, though I found this morning that she had written it down. She doesn't really remember numbers. She was supposed to ask me if she forgot the safe combination. But it was here, so I suppose any number of people could have found it."

"Pax, I'm going to take a look outside," said Dirk. "Mr Chowser, would you show me where this room is outside?" Mr Chowser lead the way, as he did, Dirk asked "What can you tell me about your upstairs maid, and your butler? How long have they been with you, and do they always wear uniforms??

"As a matter of fact, they do. I let my maid choose hers, it is dark red; the butler is in black. A butler just wouldn't be a butler in any other colour. My maid has been with me since she was a pup. My owner found her abandoned on a side street and took her in. My butler is new. He has only been here about a year."
He pointed out the study window, and Dirk asked him to return inside in case Pax needed anything.

As he crossed underneath the study window, Dirk stopped. He smelled a familiar scent. There was a pile of crates outside, leading right up to the study window! And there, by the bottom was a paw print! Dirk followed the scent from the print, and found it led straight to the servants quarters.

Dirk headed back inside to talk to Pax. "Did you find anything, Pax?"

"Back at the office, Dirk. I'll show you there." Pax replied, looking very pleased.

CHAPTER FOUR: THE SOLVE

Back at their office, the two new detectives compared notes. Dirk told Pax about the paw print and scent leading into the servant's quarters. Then Pax pulled out a ziploc bag. In it was a scrap of black cloth; it had been snagged on the inside of the safe.

"I think we should search the butler's room," said Pax.

"Wait," said Dirk. "First lets call the jewelry shops and pet clothing stores in town and see if anyone has tried to sell it."

The two spent the morning on the phone, and sure enough, they found that had someone come in to Pets Jewels about a jeweled collar. Quickly the pups ran down to the store. As they talked to the manager they realized the gentleman wasn't trying to sell a collar. He was trying to get a copy made. The copy had been completed that morning, and the gentleman was coming in to pick it up later that day.

Pax and Dirk called Gypsie and had her on standby; then they waited. And they waited. And they waited. An hour later a small oriental dog in a black uniform wandered in. It was James! He walked up to the counter and asked to see the original and the copy.

"Of course, Sir," said the store owner. "Pax, would you bring me the collar we copied please?"

Pax trotted out and said, "James, I believe this collar belongs to your boss, Mr Chowser. And as it was stolen, you are under arrest!"

CHAPTER FIVE: THE ENDING

Later that same day, after seeing James the Butler taken to the pound while he waited justice, Mr. Chowser came down to their agency to pick up his missing collar.

"Thank you, so much," Mr. Chowser said with tears in his eyes. "My owner gave me this collar. I always wear it when he comes home from a business trip. He is due in today. It would have broken his heart to find it stolen. Thank you for finding it!"

"It was no problem, sir," said Pax.

Dirk nodded and said, "We were glad to help, sir."

"It is very appreciated. I will tell all my friends about you and what you have done. Expect more business to come your way!"
Mr Chowser thanked them one more time then headed home to meet his owner.

"Well, Dirk," said Pax with a smile, "do you believe me now? I told you we could do this!"

"Yes Pax, you did," Dirk replied with a grin. "And for once you didn't even get me into trouble! Imagine that!

THE END.

I would love to hear any and all thought on this. Please share what you liked, what you didn't, how you would change something? I know it's not really sofisticated, but I was 14 when I wrote it, and it's written for kids. Does it read ok? Did I use words a child would recognize if the book was read to them??
Should I continue with this series or is it just a dumb idea??

Any and all imput is VASTLY appreciated!

[PaperGrace]

;D

So fun!

I hope I don't offend your inner child with my SUPER HARSH CRITIQUE :

I think you could run with this, yes. I'm thinking kids third grade and younger might like it. (I liked it.) But that it may be a little too fluffy for kids much older than that.

Some things that need work: Who is Anne? Is she Pax's owner? If so he should say that he found Anne's earrings just last week. If not, well, who the heck is she? Gypsy doesn't need a whole lot more explanation, but it might be nice to get a little inkling of her personality at some point--perhaps she either encourages them or teases them for the detective agency, maybe we get to hear the phone call when they set up the sting.

I love the name Mr. Chowser. The word oriental has to go, but that just opens up better opportunities to use descriptions! Only at the end did I realize that Mr. Chowser and his staff might be the same breed of dog. If this is to be a series you may have to decide how often you're going to have the same breeds show up in a story. It seems to me that when I read about or see a cartoon with dogs and cats racism (breedism) becomes magically ok, each breed behaving in a particular way, and rarely is a breed repeated unless there is some sort of dramatically appropriate reason (such as littermates, doppelgangers, etc..). It might be refreshing to see less of that.

I'm not really sure why James was having a copy of the collar made? I'm not really sure why Mr. Chowser describes the pattern of stones, since he has a picture.

Pax should be thoroughly distracted by a squirrel at some point.

Some work should be done to make it more plausible for the animals to use cameras, have safes, engage in commerce, etc... since they are also described as very normal pets. My suspension of disbelief demands they be either more self-sufficient with less emphasis on humans, or that more descriptions be given to their cleverly disguised roles and settings. Example: Mr. Chowser appears to be a homeowner, even though he has an owner, whereas Pax and Dirk seem to be more like children, building a cute 'office' in Anne's shed. FWIW I prefer the idea of them operating under the noses of humans.

[scribbliz]

ok, first, inner child, not offended in any way I wrote this long ago, and this is exactly what I was looking for I will work on the concept of working under the noses of humans. I actually changed the wording from "master" to "owner" to make them more independant; Pax and Dirk are actually supposed to be pups, just over a year old in human years, not quite full grown.

I did have a longer version somwhere that included this scene about james having a copy made and replacing the real one so people would stop looking for him, but I couldn't find that copy...this one was missing a few pages. I will have to fix that.

Gypsie will be a recurring character, and I intend to get into their relationships later, probably should have mentioned in this book that she is Dirks "sister" (littermate).

The idea of Pax being distracted is a good one...probably a good way to end/begin a chapter; and would add some comedy to the story.

Thank you for all your advice, I truly appreciate it, and will probably spend some time this evening working on some editing.

[Freedom]

It's got some very good stuff and I wanted to find out how it ended!


"May I ask who knows the combination to the safe??" Pax asked as they walked towards the safe.

"Well, myself, of course. And my maid, though I found this morning that she had written it down. She doesn't really remember numbers. She was supposed to ask me if she forgot the safe combination. But it was here, so I suppose any number of people could have found it."

"Pax, I'm going to take a look outside," said Dirk. "Mr Chowser, would you show me where this room is outside?" Mr Chowser lead the way, as he did, Dirk asked "What can you tell me about your upstairs maid, and your butler? How long have they been with you, and do they always wear uniforms??

"As a matter of fact, they do. I let my maid choose hers, it is dark red; the butler is in black. A butler just wouldn't be a butler in any other colour. My maid has been with me since she was a pup. My owner found her abandoned on a side street and took her in. My butler is new. He has only been here about a year."


Lots of good stuff going on here -- the pups ask good questions, and I loved "A butler just wouldn't be a butler in any other colour".

I also like that the dogs have their pack-order: an abandoned, new-in-the-house doggie will NOT be alpha without a LOT of work ... so she's the maid.

[thecatsmother]

Hello Scribbliz ;D

Here are some thoughts on your first few chapters of the dog detectives story, which I think is a lovely idea and enjoyed reading.

I thought it might be for a slightly older age group than 5 or 6, but I don't have children - and don't really know any young children right now. If it's for younger children, I think some illustrations would complement the text nicely. My (quite possibly wildly inaccurate) hunch is that if it's for older children it needs to be a bit less anthropomorphic in feel than it is at the moment.

You captured very well Pax's excitement at the whole venture and at first he was wonderfully puppylike and bouncy but later on I sometimes found myself forgetting he and the other characters were dogs. I think they could be made doggier with more canine action verbs like barking, woofing, nosing, padding etc, and perhaps a bit of anxious body language from James when he lets Pax and Dirk in at Mr Chowser's door (would they announce themselves as detectives though?).

Was the owner of Pet Jewels human or canine?

I was curious about James's motive. While he might have been planning to sell the original and leave the copy in the safe, I found myself wondering whether he just wanted to emulate Mr Chowser and make himself look like a top dog on his night off (presumably Mr Chowser let him have some time off?).

I'd like to know what was in James's mind, and what happened to him later.