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Post by flesheater on Aug 26, 2012 14:59:43 GMT -5
Ok...now I get it! If I read this it would probably sink in immediately.
"when someone answered the line, and she said" was escaping me; on the 4th listen I really caught the direction of those final words.
I know now, never to try my luck at an audio book hahaha!
This is awesome and you are excellent at capturing relentless depravity.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 17:40:11 GMT -5
Ok...now I get it! If I read this it would probably sink in immediately. I added the text version to the post. From now on I'll add that to links for you as well as anyone else that would prefer to read than listen. I have two sons, one is four and the other two and a half, so a lot of times I can't play audio files because I don't want to traumatize them. I can't always wear headphones  This is awesome and you are excellent at capturing relentless depravity. Ha ha! I am totally taking that as a compliment ;D I don't think I ever mentioned this, but Lovecraft is actually one of my biggest influences. I love the way he sets up an eerie atmosphere with just a few brief images, leaves almost everything to the imagination, and then ends with the wham line to end all wham lines. I was also inspired by the Japanese manga, Uzumaki: Spiral Into Horror, and Clive Barker's The Books of Blood Trilogy (I've yet to like one of his novels though). I also like comedy, sci-fi and fantasy, but I've been on a horror kick lately. |
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Post by Freedom on Aug 26, 2012 18:06:49 GMT -5
Creepeh!
Ok, I did have to listen to it twice to be sure.
Her hands shook as she pressed the keys, and the emotion in her voice was unmistakable I'm on the beam 'til right here: when someone answered the line, and she said:
“You forgot to lock the door.”
I like your voice.
I think my mind refers the final 'she' to 'someone' (who answers the line) rather than to the mother.
*editedtoadd* Ok, I'm with the program now ... what flesheater said!
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 18:38:19 GMT -5
If two people here are confused, then I'm sure more will be as well. Would it help to change this: Her mother’s eyes were wide with shock as she grabbed her phone from her purse. Her hands shook as she pressed the keys, and the emotion in her voice was unmistakable when someone answered the line, and she said: “You forgot to lock the door.” To this: Her mother’s eyes were wide with shock as she grabbed her phone from her purse. Her hands shook as she pressed the keys, and the emotion in her voice was unmistakable when someone answered the line, and her mother said: “You forgot to lock the door.” I've noticed with audio stories it is much more important to label the speaker since there is no visual paragraph change cue and the speaker has just one voice (or at least I do ). Thank you all so much for the feedback. I need to wait until my house is quiet to make any adjustments. If I really get into this I'm going to have to turn a closet into a sound studio or something. Maybe the claustrophobia that will cause will add to the atmosphere    |
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Post by Freedom on Aug 26, 2012 19:03:49 GMT -5
Her mother’s eyes were wide with shock as she grabbed her phone from her purse. Her hands shook as she pressed the keys, and the emotion in her voice was unmistakable when someone answered the line, and her mother said:
“You forgot to lock the door.”
Still think there are too many pronouns to keep track of. How about making the last sentence into two simpler ones? Maybe take out the final 'and' and make a new sentence there...
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Post by flesheater on Aug 26, 2012 19:24:35 GMT -5
You could even do: "unmistakable as her mother spoke into the phone...you forgot to lock the door."
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Post by flesheater on Aug 26, 2012 19:25:49 GMT -5
Or spoke those "something" words into the phone...
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 19:29:47 GMT -5
How about making the last sentence into two simpler ones? Maybe take out the final 'and' and make a new sentence there... I'd considered doing that, but was going to see if I could sneak it by in my laziness, lol. Sometimes I need to be called out ;D New version: Her mother’s eyes were wide with shock as she grabbed her phone from her purse, and her hands shook as she pressed the keys. Jessica was unable to hear the person that answered on the other end of the line. She could only hear her mother, and the emotion that was unmistakable in her voice, when she said: “You forgot to lock the door.” I think I have to many commas, but they really help me remember how to read it correctly I like the idea of leaving the "unmistakable" emotion unstated, to add to the unsettling feeling. Is she shaking in anger? Desperation? Fear? Regret? If that's not how it's coming across, let me know. Also I'm debating changing the title to "Locks" or something like that. Might make people think of hair though. (Ooh, getting inspired to make a story about THAT now, lol.) I used "Jessica Was Seven" with a vague notion of doing something like Edward Gorey's Ghastly Crumb Tinies, only with numbers instead of the alphabet. (Note: I really don't hate children, I swear!) |
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 19:31:46 GMT -5
You could even do: "unmistakable as her mother spoke into the phone...you forgot to lock the door." I cross posted with you on this, but I think I managed something similar. |
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Post by Freedom on Aug 26, 2012 20:18:52 GMT -5
Well, I kinda like the first version. How about:
Her mother’s eyes were wide with shock as she grabbed her phone from her purse. Her hands shook as she pressed the keys, and the emotion in her voice was unmistakable when someone answered the line, and her mother she said:
“You forgot to lock the door.”
I really love 'the emotion in her voice was unmistakable'...
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Post by PaperGrace on Aug 26, 2012 21:09:16 GMT -5
Even shorter, and I like it too!
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Post by flesheater on Aug 26, 2012 21:43:53 GMT -5
Revisions, revisions...gotta love it haha!
This has many plausible endings. Sit on it for awhile and it may become crystal clear.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 27, 2012 11:16:01 GMT -5
I think I figured out the problem with the ending (woohoo!). The last thing with a lockable door mentioned is the car. So it sounds like someone has snuck up on the mother and daughter and is saying she should have locked the car door. There is no foreshadowing at all about the basement door (honestly the whole thing would have to be rewritten to make that work) so thinking of the basement door is not obvious. Now I have to figure out the wording. Oof. The hard part. I'd love some opinions. Hack away as much as you like ;D Options for the last line could be: "You forgot to lock the basement door." "She got out of the basement." "She's outside." As for the rest: Shortest:Her mother’s eyes were wide as she grabbed her phone from her purse. Her hands shook as she pressed the keys, and the emotion in her voice was unmistakable when she said: “You forgot to lock the basement door.” Little longer:Her mother’s eyes were wide as she grabbed her phone from her purse. Her hands shook as she pressed the keys, and the emotion in her voice was unmistakable when someone answered the line, and her mother said: “You forgot to lock the basement door.” Totally different (some of the wording may need to be ironed out still):Her mother’s eyes were wide as she grabbed her phone from her purse, and her hands shook as she pressed the keys. Jessica looked back toward the house and saw she hadn’t been followed. She still hadn’t heard the sound of the engine as the car was put into gear. She was about to tell her mother to hurry, but what happened next made her stop. It was her mother, the emotion in her voice unmistakable, as she said: “You forgot to lock the basement door.” |
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Post by flesheater on Aug 27, 2012 12:03:28 GMT -5
What about this? My suggestion in quotations...
Her mother’s eyes were wide as she grabbed her phone from her purse. Her hands shook as she pressed the keys, and the emotion in her voice was unmistakable when "Jessica overheard" someone "answer" the line, and her mother said:
“You forgot to lock the basement door.”
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 28, 2012 19:50:54 GMT -5
I might need a little distance from the story to choose something. I'm having a hard time seeing it clearly.
Freedom: I forgot to say this, but thank you for saying you like my voice ;D It was better than I imagined it would be (not too southern, heh) but it still sounded kind of odd, because it's MINE and all. I also think I hiss my "s"s too much. /sigh
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