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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 11:36:08 GMT -5
Ok...so I finally wrote, recorded, created art for, and uploaded my first creepypasta (short web horror story). WARNING the point of these stories is to be as CREEPY and/or DISTURBING as possible. This one is BOTH. Especially for parents. Please don't read this if this kind of thing will bother you. I appreciate all your help so much, and I would feel terrible if I disturbed anyone that doesn't want to be. You won't hurt my feelings by not listening to this. That being said, I've never done this before. The audio messed up slightly, making me sound slightly robotic, but I thought it made it creepier so I kept it. I've done my best to keep my thick southern accent to a minimum. I really struggled with the last line, unsure of if I should try and act the part (I did this on several takes and I sounded silly, lol) or just deadpan it. Let me know what you think. The picture is a photo I took and then heavily edited. If there is any awkward or confusing wording please let me know! I would much rather hear it from you guys than read it later in a comment on youtube. ****Ack! I just listened to it on my laptop speakers, instead of with headphones, and it doesn't sound good at all Now I'm panicking. Ok, it's my first try, it's ok if it's not that good and I have to redo it over and over, right? Anyway, help is appreciated. I'm going to add the link now before I chicken out completely. *Deleted until I actually have some time to work on this, but thank you all for the feedback!*
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Post by PaperGrace on Aug 26, 2012 11:55:46 GMT -5
That is truly horrifying.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 12:15:51 GMT -5
That is truly horrifying. Thank you. I was trying to accomplish that by being subtle and doing a lot of implying without really stating anything. The wham line at the end was tricky. Did it need anything? Was the audio acceptable? Does the picture fit? The model in the picture was younger, but I figured that might suggest lost innocence or something. Really, I just aimed for something creepy looking that fit with the general theme.
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Post by PaperGrace on Aug 26, 2012 12:27:45 GMT -5
I'll try to listen to it again when my tummy settles down and my skin stops crawling. I wasn't listening with my critical ears. Might be later tonight.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 12:32:21 GMT -5
I'll try to listen to it again when my tummy settles down and my skin stops crawling. I wasn't listening with my critical ears. Might be later tonight. Thanks It makes me feel a lot better to know it was able to successfully creep someone out. My husband listened to it (on the crappy speakers) and seemed indifferent He tried to be supportive, but I can tell he's just doing it for my benefit. He's just not into the stuff I write. It's awful for my self esteem. But that's why I have the internet, right? Created just for me to bring me constructive and meaningful social interaction! Thank you for listening to it *hugs*
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Post by flesheater on Aug 26, 2012 12:36:11 GMT -5
That was nicely executed and I'm glad the child exploitation was not pushed further. I would honestly rewrite this to at least set it in the 70's or 80's. Cell phones and modern technology remove the absolutle hoplessness from a situation. Instead of having her call on a cell phone the little girl could be in absolute pande'moniac hysteria and the end line could be received from the rear seat...that makes it personal, makes it disturbingly pervasive, makes the threat hideously real. Just an idea though.
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Post by flesheater on Aug 26, 2012 12:37:15 GMT -5
My wife hates my writing; said it scares the crap out of her so you're not alone hahaha!
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Post by PaperGrace on Aug 26, 2012 12:46:18 GMT -5
It's nice that he tried to be supportive, and good that you know that your husband doesn't have to be everything you need. I think a lot of people (and women especially) expect that their partner will be their best friend, confidant, lover, support network, coach, cheerleader, editor, hobby enthusiast, etc... and sometimes that is too much to expect in every category of one's life from a single source. As long as he doesn't tear you down for what you write then everything is good.
In my case Husband isn't really in to most of the things I write (He could care less about Lucy, Kevin, and Rick.) but he likes the way that I create worlds around what I'm doing. He keeps trying to point it at world-building for RPG settings, collaboratively. We worked together on a game he was going to run. I imagined a civilization and designed buildings based on the culture of flying creatures who had a very feudal system of government and extremely fanatic religious practitioners. Then we fast forwarded a couple thousand years and mapped the ruins of that city for our game setting. In the process I generated immense amounts of backstory for characters that the players would never even hear of. Figuring out how the people lived helped me design the physical setting. Husband enjoyed my process, and then promptly seeded the ruins with monsters--we hacked and slashed our way to victory, treasure, and a level and a half of xp.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 13:11:37 GMT -5
That was nicely executed and I'm glad the child exploitation was not pushed further. I would honestly rewrite this to at least set it in the 70's or 80's. Cell phones and modern technology remove the absolutle hoplessness from a situation. Instead of having her call on a cell phone the little girl could be in absolute pande'moniac hysteria and the end line could be received from the rear seat...that makes it personal, makes it disturbingly pervasive, makes the threat hideously real. Just an idea though. Hm, I think I may have made the ending a bit confusing. Her mother is the one that says, "you forgot to lock the door." It was supposed to imply that her mother didn't call 911, she called Mary to scold her for letting her daughter escape. Selling her daughter is her new "job."
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 13:16:51 GMT -5
Papergrace: I have a friend that channels all her writing now into world building for RPGs. I occasionally poke her and try to make her write again but so far, no luck.
Flesheater & Papergrace: It would be so awesome if my husband liked one of my stories, one day I'm going to try and write something just for him. He's more of a sci-fi fan, although he does like horror, he just doesn't like disturbing stuff and he doesn't get curious about the unknown in the same way I do. He's also a science major in school, and so when I ask him about specifics like pacing or cliches, he has no idea what I'm talking about.
It's nice that we've found other people online to share our stuff with. ;D
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Post by PaperGrace on Aug 26, 2012 13:23:28 GMT -5
I like allowing the listener to believe that Mother is calling 911. Husband and I caught on too quickly and we were both going "Aw, oh no..." waiting for our fears to be confirmed. I was even squinting and turning away a bit, like you would when watching something on film and knowing it's coming and knowing you'll look through your fingers but putting your hands over your eyes anyway.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 26, 2012 13:38:41 GMT -5
I like allowing the listener to believe that Mother is calling 911. Husband and I caught on too quickly and we were both going "Aw, oh no..." waiting for our fears to be confirmed. I was even squinting and turning away a bit, like you would when watching something on film and knowing it's coming and knowing you'll look through your fingers but putting your hands over your eyes anyway. I've done that (turned my head away) with several youtube stories, it's funny because the picture isn't the problem, lol. I'm glad you got the twist. I wanted it to not be obvious but not too obscure...the timing is tricky with these things! The one I linked from Thelittlefears, the Rat King, took me a while to get. I was like, "That's not that scary, it's just a big rat that cannibalizes...omg rats don't eat with forks!" and I was done. I went to bed and snuggled up with my husband. Ha ha.
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Post by flesheater on Aug 26, 2012 14:09:35 GMT -5
See the way I realized it was that the "you forgot to lock the door" came through the "line" as in over the phone. Also the mother was stumbling with her phone giving the impression that she too was petrified instead of creepily complacent. If you had the idea of the mother selling her daughter I think a stronger impression could be made if the phone was disregarded...I don't know; I'd like to read this over listen to it. I'm not a fan of audio since I have trouble following it.
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Post by PaperGrace on Aug 26, 2012 14:17:41 GMT -5
The mother isn't really ok with her decision, making her more real, making the story WAY more icky than if she were fine with the whole thing. She knows it's wrong, she's horrified too, but she's doing it anyway.
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Post by flesheater on Aug 26, 2012 14:51:31 GMT -5
I listened to it again after having the situation explained and I'm still not really feeling it in the way it's intended.
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