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Post by flesheater on Sept 4, 2012 10:14:49 GMT -5
I posted this in my blog but didn't receive any feedback there. Figured I'd move it to a more "appropriate" section.
I wrote this on Friday and it's now Tuesday; as I'm re-reading what I wrote I can't help but think that it sounds a bit scatter brained. Does this sound like it flows or is it bouncing back and forth between scenarios? Maybe it's the bouncing back and forth between present tense and past tense; like I need a break or signifying symbol to mark the narrative change. This is supposed to be a writing which is taking place at the very end of the characters stay in this village (as he documents the events from day 1 leading up to the last day); so the first two paragraphs were in past tense and I changed them to present tense...I think that is where the confusion arose. Perhaps I should leave it all past tense?
Thank you for any help you can provide! My notes below each paragraph in bold.
I was in search of literary inspiration when my travels led me here, to the small village of Carthage. Maine was my desired destination; I had hoped to spend some time confined to the desolate solitude of the vast, northern most regions of the Appalachian Mountains. I thought time spent in seclusion, would offer the appropriate peace and tranquility needed to finish my work. Carthage designates the last sign of humanity, before entering the uninhabited wilderness I so desired to venture and reside within.
(This is tricky to write, as I'm finding out; the village still exists and the character is still residing within the village. The past tense used to describe Maine and his "desires" was done so to signify that he still, to this day has not made it to his desired destination. Does that make sense?)
The village itself is nestled deep within the White Mountains of New Hampshire. The overwhelming, cascading mountains surround the village in its entirety; they seemingly form a voluminous wall of earth, hiding it within. The terrain of the steep and winding byway, which grants the only access to the village’s location, is treacherous and nearly impassable. Traversing the harsh, mountainous terrain, requires one to become accustom to the rigors of travelling by horseback.
(This paragraph was all written in past tense; when I changed it to present tense it seemed out of place all of the sudden...but the village STILL exists, etc. etc. Can I use past tense in this paragraph and still have it make sense?)
It was early September and the foliage seemed to cast a sense of liveliness, of vitality amongst the forest. The mountains washed the landscape in waves of beautiful, flourishing greenery. The forthcoming cold weather could not be hinted in the slightest, amongst the vibrancy portrayed. However, there was a peculiar sense of stillness that seemed to haunt these mountains. It was as if the wild life had retired to hibernation, or that they altogether ceased to exist. I had much expected the forests to clamor wildly in harmonious song; but not a single creature could be heard nor seen. The mere sound of my horse, breaking branches and disturbing the earth, resounded like a death rattle amongst the empty mountainsides as we descended towards the village. I couldn’t help but sympathize with the uncertainty and hesitation, which my traveling companion so vividly displayed as we approached that damned place.
As a more stable surface of earth presented itself beneath my horse’s hooves, he offered an unrelenting resistance in proceeding forth. The beast reared back violently, nearly knocking me to the ground. His animosity struck an unnerving emotion of fear within me, as if he had perceived through an unknown, superior sense, the brooding terror which lain before us. I fought persistently through his stubbornness, and after many minutes he seemed to settle. Though, I don’t believe that the animal trusted my guidance; he was instead subdued by something else, something sinisterly powerful.
(These two paragraphs all of the sudden take on the complete past tense; as if I'm finally beginning to tell the story...I'm thinking it should all remain in past tense. The first version (located within my blog) is all past tense and in past tense it reads appropriately I think.)
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Post by flesheater on Sept 4, 2012 11:40:03 GMT -5
Ok I think I figured a little bit out.
I'm so used to seeing the account of the happening being presented to us from the "survivors" stand point, as made famous by Lovecraft, that I negated the fact that I'm taking on (yet again) "the suicide note" approach. I was telling the reader what they already knew; this doesn't mean you and I as the reader, but rather the discoverer of the note to be left. They already know where the town is located, what it looks like, etc. What they don't know is what was going on when I/character arrived. Once I figured that out I was able to rewrite this to make a little bit of sense (I think anyways!).
Check out this revision and see if this is the proper way to tackle this...
I was in search of literary inspiration when my travels led me here. Maine was my intended destination; I had hoped to spend some time confined to the desolate solitude of the vast, northern most regions of the Appalachian Mountains. I thought time spent in seclusion, would offer the appropriate peace and tranquility needed to finish my work. This small village of Carthage was to be the last sign of humanity; before I entered the uninhabited wilderness I so desired to venture and reside within. Little did I know of the impending doom awaiting me, or that my travels would cease and I would be confined to this hell hole without escape. It was early September when I had reached the crest of the surrounding White Mountains. The foliage seemed to cast a sense of liveliness, of vitality amongst the forest. The mountains washed the landscape in waves of beautiful, flourishing greenery. The forthcoming cold weather could not be hinted in the slightest amongst the vibrancy portrayed. However, there was a peculiar sense of stillness that seemed to haunt these mountains. It was as if the wild life had retired to hibernation, or that they altogether ceased to exist. I had much expected the forests to clamor wildly in harmonious song; but not a single creature could be heard nor seen. The mere sound of my horse, breaking branches and disturbing the earth, resounded like a death rattle amongst the empty mountainsides as we made our descent towards the village. As we neared the village, the steep and treacherous mountainside gave way to more stable earth. It was then that I should have heeded the warning which my horse so unrelentingly delivered. The beast reared back violently, nearly knocking me to the ground. His animosity sent an unnerving, and cold sense of fear coursing through my body. I cursed at his unruliness as I battled his stubbornness, and after many minutes I had regained control. Though, I now know that the animal sensed the insidious, brooding terror which lain before us. Upon my arrival, I couldn’t help but notice the same haunting stillness that existed amongst the surrounding wilderness, now lingered amidst the village. The town had appeared abandoned, for not a soul was to be seen.
That's all I have for now.
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Post by PaperGrace on Sept 4, 2012 12:04:43 GMT -5
You picked a busy weekend to post!
I remember from skimming it when you posted that I found it confusing the way you had worded the desired destination vs where Main Character landed thing. You might want to finish talking about where MC is before you talk about where MC intends to go. Waiting to place Carthage in NH until after you discuss ME made me backtrack. OR Finish talking about where MC is headed before you talk about where he ends up."I was in search of literary inspiration when my travels led me here, to the small village of Carthage, New Hampshire. The far reaches of Maine was my desired destination; I had hoped to spend some time confined to the desolate solitude of the vast, northern most regions of the Appalachian Mountains. I thought time spent in seclusion, would offer the appropriate peace and tranquility needed to finish my work. Carthage designates the last sign of humanity, before entering the uninhabited wilderness I so desired to venture and reside within." Maybe even switch the halves of that second sentence to give more space between locations: I had hoped to spend some time confined to the desolate solitude of the vast, northernmost regions of the Appalachian Mountains; the far reaches of Maine my desired destination. So that places Carthage before you move on. You would then take NH out of the first part of the next paragraph. But consider talking about Maine before moving on to Carthage. Something about the current beginning makes the reader too aware that something prevents MC from making it to Maine. I think it's too much set up, too fast. Right now it is in this order:
- End up in Carthage
- Want to be in Maine
- Here's why
- Carthage, btw is in NH
- Describe the village
Maybe it should be in this order :- On the way to Maine
- Motives for heading there
- Stop in Carthage, NH
- Describe the village
More from me later...
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Post by PaperGrace on Sept 4, 2012 12:05:27 GMT -5
Cross posted, you figured that out without me!
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Post by flesheater on Sept 4, 2012 12:21:32 GMT -5
Yeah sorry ha-ha! I wrote that first part on Friday...bad time to even try to write. I've been fighting with this all morning trying to figure it out. I think I'm slowly getting the hang of it again. This is a more difficult approach I think than using past tense as seen in mostly all of Lovecraft's stories. It's tricky because you want to reveal what's going on, but you also need a story you know?
Thanks for the help though; your sequence you posted is a good literal reference point.
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Post by PaperGrace on Sept 4, 2012 12:47:35 GMT -5
I was in search of literary inspiration when my travels led me here. Maine was my intended destination; I had hoped to spend some time confined to the desolate solitude of the vast, northern most regions of the Appalachian Mountains. This opening is WAY stronger! Nice work. Now the set-up is out in the open and doesn't seem accidental.I thought time spent in seclusion, ditch this commawould offer the appropriate peace and tranquility needed to finish my work. This small village of Carthage was to be the last sign of humanity; semicolon wrong here, ditch it or add something like 'a final _________ ' before I entered the uninhabited wilderness I so desired to venture and reside within. Little did I know of the impending doom awaiting me, or that my travels would cease and I would be confined to this hell hole without escape. This last sentence needs to be stronger if you want to get away with 'impending doom awaiting me' or 'hell hole without escape'. Break them up maybe and make them tough enough to hold up in separate sentences? Doom is so final, it is really hard to pair as the weaker clause of a sentence--without escape is final too, they compete for my attention while also calling up my cliche alarm. HPL gets away with them, and you can too if you are more precise with them, right now they are tacked together.
It was early September when I had reached the crest of the surrounding White Mountains. Can you show us that it is early september rather than using 'it was / / when I had' Maybe something like-- The early September breeze struck me as I reached the crest blahblahblah...The foliage seemed to cast a sense of liveliness, of vitality amongst the forest. The mountains washed the landscape in waves of beautiful, flourishing greenery. The forthcoming cold weather could not be hinted in the slightest amongst the vibrancy portrayed. However, there was a peculiar sense of stillness that seemed to haunt these mountains. It was as if the wild life had retired to hibernation, or that they altogether ceased to exist. I had much expected the forests to clamor wildly in harmonious song; but not a single creature could be heard nor seen. The mere sound of my horse, breaking branches and disturbing the earth, resounded like a death rattle amongst the empty mountainsides as we made our descent towards the village.
The foliage seemed to cast a sense of liveliness, of vitality amongst the forest. VS However, there was a peculiar sense of stillness that seemed to haunt these mountains. It was as if the wild life had retired to hibernation, or that they altogether ceased to exist.
These seem mutually exclusive to me as written. Did you mean to show the dissonance between the visual expectation VS the eerie emptiness? If so try being more direct about the visual, don't tell us how it feels, show us what should be a healthy living forest. Leave the feeling for the emptiness.
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Post by flesheater on Sept 4, 2012 15:38:06 GMT -5
This whole thing is a mess...I think I finally had writers block haha! I plan on working on this tonight in a more relaxed setting and seeing if anything changes.
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Post by PaperGrace on Sept 4, 2012 15:57:52 GMT -5
Looking forward to it! You can always tell me to stuff it...
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Post by flesheater on Sept 4, 2012 18:49:51 GMT -5
No way man...those were really helpful! I knew I needed to elaborate somewhere and you pinpointed it for me.
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Post by flesheater on Sept 4, 2012 19:10:16 GMT -5
Can we tackle this one paragraph at a time? I've turned into a semi-perfectionist with my work and perfecting each paragraph seems to fill my sickness ha-ha!
Here is the first (well...second paragraph; I'm 100% confident in the first paragraph as an opener);
"I was in search of literary inspiration when my travels led me here. I intended to spend the remaining months of the year confined to the desolate solitude of the vast, northern most regions of the Appalachian Mountains. I had hoped that residing in utter seclusion would offer the appropriate peace and tranquility needed to finish my work. This small village was to be the last signs of humanity, before I entered the uninhabited wilderness, which I so desired to venture and reside within. I meant to spend only a few days within this village, seeking a place to rest and to replenish diminished supplies. However, I knew not of the impending doom or of the deadly confinement awaiting me in this damned place."
I'm also considering a different ending sentence, something like;
"However, it seems that my fate would require me to stay indefinitely, to confront the nightmarish terror of this wretched hell."
Opinions please...
P.S. I changed some wording in this;
"I was in search of literary inspiration when my travels led me here. I intended to spend the remaining months of the year, confined to the desolate solitude of the vast, northern most regions of the Appalachian Mountains. I had hoped that residing in utter seclusion would offer the appropriate peace and tranquility needed to finish my work. This small village was to be the last sign of humanity before I ventured into the far reaches of uninhabited wilderness. I meant to spend merely a few days in this village, seeking a place to rest and to replenish diminished supplies. However, I knew not of the impending doom or of the deadly confinement awaiting me in this damned place."
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Post by flesheater on Sept 4, 2012 20:31:34 GMT -5
Paragraph #2
"When I had reached the crest of the surrounding White Mountains, the brisk September air rushed over my face as the trailing scent of autumn enthralled and permeated my senses. The mountainous foliage bathed the landscape in waves of beautiful, flourishing greenery which flowed exuberantly with life and vitality. The forthcoming cold weather could not be hinted in the slightest amongst the vibrancy portrayed. However, there was a peculiar sense of stillness that seemed to haunt these mountains. It was as if the wild life had retired to hibernation, or that they altogether ceased to exist. I had much expected the forests to clamor wildly in harmonious song; but not a single creature could be heard nor seen. The mere sound of my horse, breaking branches and disturbing the earth, resounded like a death rattle amongst the empty mountainsides as we made our descent."
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Post by flesheater on Sept 4, 2012 20:45:29 GMT -5
Paragraph #3
"The mountain floor was shrouded in a dense, uncanny fog, which allowed only the vaguest glimpse of the village ahead. The faint sight of this nearing destination incited an unrelenting and wild aggression within my horse. The beast reared back violently, nearly knocking me to the ground. The display of such animosity induced an unnerving, brooding feeling within my very being. I should have heeded the warning which the animal so vehemently delivered, but instead I cursed at his unruliness as I battled his stubbornness. After what had seemed many minutes, I had regained control of the steed. Although, I do not believe the animal trusted my guidance or even obeyed my strict words; I fear that something else commanded his will."
I think I'm on a decent roll again; almost like the burden of fixing my mess has been lifted from my shoulders ha-ha!
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