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Post by scribbliz on Sept 5, 2012 0:56:02 GMT -5
please note, this is a rough copy, and has not been fully edited. I've been feeling a little down lately, and not sure how to express it, so, as per my norm, i turn to poetry.
Times Forgotten, moments lost
World's abandoned, dreams forsaken
In the twilight of your childhood.
Fear overides youthful innocence
Caution treads in abandon's way
Hope is tained by years gone by
Dreams fade beneath reality's sway
Worlds now hidden, dreams rejected
Moments shadowed, memories washed away
In the twilight of your childhood.
Freedom lost in life's constant grind
Twilight replaces the brightest of days
Your recall haunted by faces forgotten
Shadows shift your memory like molded clay
Times forgotten, memories erased
Dreams unfound, moments lost
In the twilight of your childhood.
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Post by Sparrow on Sept 10, 2012 8:51:30 GMT -5
This poem leaves me with a feeling of sadness, regret at what has not been realized. Love the opening and closing verses the best! Only stumbled here:
Your recall haunted by faces forgotten
Shadows shift your memory like molded clay
I think these lines have a few too many words, can you condense them a little maybe?
Typo on line 2, verse 2: caution
This poem has strong potential, keep working this one!
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Post by PaperGrace on Sept 10, 2012 15:10:09 GMT -5
Dearest Liz when you write these sad things I can't think clearly enough to give you feedback. I'm busy feeling.
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Post by scribbliz on Sept 10, 2012 21:32:02 GMT -5
papergrace, thank you SO much; that has to be one of the best compliments i have ever recieved.
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Post by PaperGrace on Sept 10, 2012 21:39:55 GMT -5
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Post by Freedom on Sept 16, 2012 21:22:08 GMT -5
Oh, Liz, just caught up with this -- PaperGrace is right, I had to go away and come back.
I really love the structure of the five verses.
You've captured the loss of childhood and dreams.
/hugs
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Post by scribbliz on Sept 17, 2012 10:20:43 GMT -5
thank you freedom  it's an entirely new pattern for me. I will admit that it is a bit of a relief to be able to share poems like this here. Every other place I've shared a poem that's left people feeling sad or a loss, I've gotten comments that make me feel like I should have made a "happy" ending. I appreciate your acceptance, and feedback. Thank you so much everyone |
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Post by thecatsmother on Sept 23, 2012 16:02:36 GMT -5
You express yourself beautifully here Liz. Yes, your poem makes me feel rather sad and uncomfortable, but that's because the feelings and regrets you describe are in me too.
I haven't been around much lately, but I've lurked a few times and read several of your poems. Unfortunately I'm one of those who was rather put off poetry at school, but I think I'm getting over that slowly. Your poetry speaks to the heart.
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Post by scribbliz on Sept 24, 2012 9:11:32 GMT -5
catsmum, thank you so much. this morning, that is exactly what I needed to hear. i have been feeling rather stressed and helpless lately in regards to my children, that to hear that there is still something I do well is encouraging beyond belief.
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Post by Freedom on Sept 24, 2012 13:02:06 GMT -5
Liz, you're a really fine writer. The real thing. Never doubt this.
/hug /hug /hug
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it's an entirely new pattern for me. 