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Post by thecatsmother on Jul 31, 2012 18:40:11 GMT -5
Something I elaborated on from a dream I had of a strange place, several years ago. An image that keeps recurring for me. It also has something of a house I knew long ago in RL. Please do your worst ;D
Beyond the city the river winds immense curves into the distance. Canals branch out over miles of dank grey fenland blurring into fog at the horizon. Great steam barges freighted to the point of submersion, move slowly away towards the interior, their smoke plumes trailing high in the cold air. To our right, beyond the scattered ruins of the ancient tower, the hill we're standing on falls away sharply. Several hundred feet below we can see the familiar castle battlements and the flag hanging heavily in the morning stillness. Beyond the castle a muffled metallic roar and shouting herald the arrival of another cargo at the docks. Further off, the bay glints dully under the weak, clouded sun.
The cold insinuates quietly beneath my winter coat, my woollen dress and petticoats and settles clammily, implacably against my bare flesh; Realising my feet are quite numb I start jumping up and down on the spot. "Shall we go down?" suggests Clara. Gingerly, but quickly as we can, we pick our way back down the icy steps hewn from the rock. We're both thinking of breakfast in the dining room with the red rug and the blazing fire; the silver tureens filled with kedgeree; with porridge, with sausages, bacon and eggs; steaming cups of cinnamon spiced milk, chocolate or coffee if we prefer.
The market is bustling by the time we reach the square. At first no-one notices us, two more women in the early morning throng dressed against the cold. But as we approach the castle gates we sense curious eyes on us and try, without success, not to feel self-conscious. Or self-important. Limping from his lodge, old James swings the gates open for us, nods and smiles. "You'll be ready for your breakfast now ladies".
The castle isn't really a castle but a large white house with battlements and wings that fan out to embrace a courtyard, stables, and a short drive. Seeing it in daylight for the first time as an adult I realise the peculiarity of its situation. It's a house that seems entitled to spreading parkland yet it's been denied that. Instead it's wedged uncomfortably, unhappily perhaps, between the cliff, the market, the docks with their noise and smell.
Letting ourselves in at the front door, the warmth greets us like a comforting wave. The two elderly spaniels pad their way across the stone flags towards us, wagging their tails as we wipe our boots on the mat and remove them with the help of the iron bootjack.
"Where have you been?" The imperious voice rends the warmth and we jump, ashamed of - we know not quite what.
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Post by Freedom on Jul 31, 2012 21:09:16 GMT -5
Nice imagery, I can feel the chill.
I like the personality of the house: "uncomfortably, unhappily perhaps..." and I feel for it.
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 1, 2012 13:34:22 GMT -5
I really like this. In a short space you've created a good feel for the two women and their desire for adventure. The way you describe the cold is my favorite part--I can feel it. The details such as "silver tureens filled with kedgeree" are excellent as well because they pique my curiosity and make me want to know more.
The only suggestion I have, and this only matters if this is the beginning of the story, is to add a sentence or two at the beginning as a "hook" to catch the reader's attention. Your descriptions are well done, but people tend to skip through description at the beginning of a story. A line of dialog, action, or an interesting fact right before this would work well so that the scene you set isn't missed. It's a very nicely done scene!
I have had reoccurring dreams of places before, but they're usually like something out of a horror novel. This place sounds lovely. I like that the house is nicknamed the castle. It's neat when places acquire names of their own.
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Post by scribbliz on Aug 1, 2012 14:29:12 GMT -5
I like the flow and feel of it, but for some reason the very first sentence was hard for me. I am wondering if it is missing some punctuation???
Maybe something like,
Beyond the city, a river winds, flowing in immense curves far into the distance.
I'm not sure, but it took me a couple tries to figure out what the first sentence said. Once I got past that, I found the imagery profound, and moving; I want to know who the speaker at the end was, and what their story is.
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Post by PaperGrace on Aug 1, 2012 16:41:02 GMT -5
Sorry I hadn't taken time to jump in yet!
I can see this scene so vividly. I can smell things, taste the air! I like that my imagination kept having to revise the side details as it got new information.
I also had trouble with the first sentence. For some reason my brain kept insisting that winds (turns/meanders as a verb) was winds (air currents as a noun). I can't put my finger on why that is. I knew what you meant, but still had to read it over a couple of times before it stopped happening.
I love this line:
I like where you're going with this bit: "The cold insinuates quietly beneath my winter coat, my woollen dress and petticoats and settles clammily, implacably against my bare flesh;" somehow it doesn't flow quite right for me though. There's a couple of things going on there that pull me out of the rest of this fantastically descriptive piece.
The first is an expectation for the cold to insinuate itself quietly beneath the coat. I like the word insinuates there, but it insinuates what? If you imagined the word 'suggests' in its place how would you word the rest of it? You could also try reversing quietly and insinuates to see if you get the same effect.
The second I think is a punctuation issue. My brain expects the woolen dress and petticoats to act given the placement of the commas, but then it is the cold that is still in action. Consider breaking the sentence into two: "...and petticoats. It settles clammily, implacable against my bare flesh." Or adding commas to the list of clothing and using stronger punctuation to separate the two distinct actions that Cold is taking: insinuating quietly and settling clammily. This would require a full stop at the end rather than a semi-colon too.
Alternatively, I think removing the second 'my' might fix that. Seeing that second my after the comma makes me feel like you're moving on to something else, rather than listing areas affected by the motion of the cold. I ask, who else's woolen dress would be beneath your coat, also, if one stays with the double my... there isn't a triplet. Er... who's petticoats are you wearing?!
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Post by readilygrey on Aug 1, 2012 20:39:56 GMT -5
I read this sentence: "The cold insinuates quietly beneath my winter coat, my woollen dress and petticoats and settles clammily, implacably against my bare flesh;" As: "The cold situates quietly beneath my winter coat ; my woolen dress and petticoats settle clammily, implacably against my bare flesh." I didn't even realize you used the word "insinuate." Did you mean "situate"? I liked the image of the cold settling in with no intent to leave. If you swapped words like this, I just want to say that I do that all the time. I also make words up and only when the spellchecker keeps fussing at me do I finally go look it up and realize it doesn't exist, or that I combined two words. I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to find "turmultuous" recently. I also used the word "recreate" instead of "re-create" which caused a bit of confusion about what a certain android was doing  . English is a terribly confusing language. You have a real talent for making us feel what you describe. A few punctuation changes will make sure we all experience the same thing  Definitely write more! I want to know what happens. |
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Post by Freedom on Aug 1, 2012 23:38:24 GMT -5
Meh, I like the first sentence -- the river's like a big engine twisting the landscape ...
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Post by thecatsmother on Aug 7, 2012 16:37:18 GMT -5
Hi All, Belated thanks for all your helpful and constructive feedback. Freedom, I'm glad you felt for the house - it's essentially one with a friendly atmosphere but it's oppressed by its situation - and not helped by some of the people who live in it. ReadilyGrey, I'm absolutely with you on the need for a catchier start; being faced with a load of description can be quite offputting! Scribbliz and PaperGrace, thanks for all your comments on that first sentence. I struggled with it too - and gave in to the river's desire to wind the curves into the landscape - like an engine indeed, as you suggested, Freedom ;D. It didn't seem to want to flow gracefully. But maybe that could be conveyed more skilfully. On consideration I think I may have written about a landscape that's pants from a geological point of view anyway - I'm not sure large rivers flow, or wind, through fenlands. The Fens are criss-crossed with manmade waterways, but I'm not sure about large rivers. Something to check if I take this one further. PaperGrace, thanks for your idea of splitting the sentence about the cold and the petticoats etc (they were all my petticoats btw  ), I think that works well. I probably left out the "itself", which would normally follow "insinuates", to improve the flow - but that doesn't really work if the sentence stops making sense! ReadilyGrey, I like "turmultuous". English can be pretty confusing but it's always evolving and words sometimes get coined from scratch..... one that came to mind when I started thinking about that is "gloomth", made up by Horace Walpole to describe the atmosphere of ancient, grand buildings. Why shouldn't we coin a few ;D It was literally a fragment and I don't know if it'll go anywhere - I'm terrible at thinking up storylines. It's in an imaginary steampunk sort of world. But the city itself isn't large and isn't the capital of the country. Though recently industrialised it's almost a feudal set-up, with the family who live in the not-quite-a-castle running the show. The two women are sisters related to the ruling family; they used to visit often as children but have not been back for many years (not yet sure why). Now they're in the classic Victorian spinster predicament of being thrown penniless on their rich relations - and they're about to realise that their status in the castle has diminished somewhat. The imperious voice belongs to their much older cousin, the lady of the house. And I've no idea what happens after that ;D  |
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Post by Sparrow on Aug 30, 2012 20:55:06 GMT -5
Very nice! The image of the place is quite clear, and your use of the senses adds to the authentic feel to this piece. Love the vocab you used; dully, gingerly, throng, peculiarity. Maybe have the first sentence have to do with one of the characters as she looks at the scene, then describing it. Or even a little more, add in the emotion she is feeling, which you allude to at the end, that she would be feeling as she sets out with this scene in her view.
Can't wait to read more of this one!
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Post by thecatsmother on Sept 23, 2012 15:55:29 GMT -5
Can't wait to read more of this one! Thank you for your feedback Sparrow, it's much appreciated.... but I'm afraid I've absolutely no idea what happens next! |
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. English is a terribly confusing language. 
Definitely write more! I want to know what happens. 
), I think that works well. I probably left out the "itself", which would normally follow "insinuates", to improve the flow - but that doesn't really work if the sentence stops making sense! 
