Two short pieces about rain

[PaperGrace]

(As I mentioned in my Intro, I'll be posting a few of these small things I wrote a long time ago. Be patient with the young woman who wrote them... )


More Rain in B-town falling with an accompaniment of Thunder and Lightning. More Rain in B-town becoming a river down Battery Street--calling out to be paddled on, dodging anxious drivers, hydroplaning onto the sidewalks. More Rain beating against the windows of the restaurant. More Rain in B-town washing the cigarette butts into the storm drains and out into the lake. More Rain in B-town pulling the brown petals from the wilted flowers and making them new. More Rain snapping the twigs from trees in the park. More Rain in B-town chasing the pedestrians under awnings. More Rain in B-town driving the birds under the eaves. More Rain writing prophetic words on the surface of the Champlain. More Rain.

---

In honor of rain:


Walking to internal music through the streets of B-town, no faces behind dark umbrellas there a ladybug on a curved stick floats above a yellow child with a mischievous glint in her eyes, the water from her red rimmed boots' assault on a puddle soaks the hem of my trench.

A couple plays guitar in the park under the shelter of an amphitheatre. Rock Stars! No audience save for my form weaving through the green celestial branches. On grey wings I fly, dodging raindrops, singing my own songs, harmonizing with the wind, keeping beat with the patter of sky-water falling.

Slipping beneath the waves of the lake I play hide and seek, my form sleek. Flick of a tail splashes back at the air while we play a game mimicked on clear summer days by over heated children. Whiskers twitch; harp-strings under the Goddess' tears of joy, falling, dancing, playing the music that is with me as I return to the sidewalks and make my way home.

My trenchcoat leaves a puddle on the linoleum. Joy.

[Freedom]

Nice images here, I like the rain writing prophetic words on the river.

[readilygrey]

I am really impressed with your imagery and ability to make descriptions interesting. This is the part that I struggle the most with. I am going to pay close attention to your wording and see if I can learn how to do what you do. Thank you for sharing!

[thecatsmother]

I like the repetition of "more rain in B-town" in the first piece. I can feel it raining harder and harder (and living where I do I know the feeling ;D ).

In places I felt the use of prepositions interrupted the flow. For example I think "more rain snapping twigs from trees in the park" has more immediacy than the same sentence with the extra "the" in it.

In the second piece my favourite part is the child's umbrella - the way it suddenly bursts onto the narrator's consciousness "no faces behind dark umbrellas, there a ladybug on a curved stick floats above a yellow child with a mischievous glint in her eyes...." .

I felt "the water from her red rimmed boots' assault on a puddle"
was slightly less successful and I can't quite put my finger on why, which is very unhelpful of me. If it comes to me later I'll post again.

"keeping beat with the patter of sky-water falling" - I like that, I'm not a great poetry reader but to me that has a lovely poetic flow - or maybe rhythm is a better word?

I hope some of this is helpful. Just my take on what you've written.

[PaperGrace]

;D I re-read the first piece with my eye out for 'the' and boy was I annoyed! You're so right. I think I need to make a habit of reading things aloud. I might be more likely to catch things like that myself.

I think that the yellow rain slicker is fairly universal, but my black and red barn boots were in my mind and so comfortable a memory that I didn't care then that they don't call up an instant image to most people. Also 'boots' assault' is clumsy. Go ahead, say it three times fast!

It hadn't been my intention to rework these, just to remember what my writing used to be like, but now I'm itching to play with them when I have time!

[Sparrow]

In piece #1, I love how you alternate the effects of rain on the natural world with its effects on the human world. Also, I agree that your repetition of "more rain" mimics the relentless beat of a heavy rainstorm.... very effective. Love that last line about the rain "writing prophetic words" ..... beautiful!

In piece #2, this is filmy and ethereal, a real gem! Your transition from the mundane soaking of a hem to the gliding amongst the branches is magical. Again, last line is pure perfection! Check the first line there though, it needs to either be broken up to 2 sentences or more, or have a comma placed somewhere or something. Stumbled over that line.