Toren's Journal

[PaperGrace]

(As I mentioned in my Intro, I'll be posting a few of these small things I wrote a long time ago. Be patient with the young woman who wrote them... )

This piece is an excerpt from the journal of a fictional character.

I have a bad feeling about today, when I got to work this came spilling out of me. It will lose something in the translation from hurried, almost desperate scrawling to neatly typed page, but here it is anyway: (i'll leave in the mis-spellings and non-words)

Fitful dreams from an even more fitful sleep, I am overtired, my imagination takes me to dark places. This foreboding is manufactured. Grim cousins to Summer's cotton ball clouds, the wisps of torn batting bring discomfort; a reminder of the deterioration masked by bright lights and sharp sound here in the city--Not unlike the fretful feeling that a hole in a worn and well loved quilt brings to a woman who knows her decendant-daughters will not have the skills or desire to spend the blood of their fingers to mend. Exhaust blocks my way, defying the wind to linger, acrid blue-grey-stinging my eyes and filling my lungs despite every attempt to hold myself tightly closed in the passing. Wind whips the surviving pedestrians in their struggle.

Blood on snow retains its color longer, eventually bleaching to a pale, mocking little-girl-pink instead of turning rust and dissolving-washing the earth with its recycled life-it will still shine there-laughing like a madman when I return 'home'

[PaperGrace]

As I remember it, Toren felt that she had looked too far into some unfriendly aspect of the city, and it had noticed her. Bella Toren was a name I'd used often online and it fit the character I was writing. Now it seems trite, especially since a decade later everyone under the sun thinks of the Twilight series when they hear it.

Jul 29, 2012 21:33:13 GMT -5 PaperGrace said:

Grim cousins to Summer's cotton ball clouds, the wisps of torn batting bring discomfort; a reminder of the deterioration masked by bright lights and sharp sound here in the city--Not unlike the fretful feeling that a hole in a worn and well loved quilt brings to a woman who knows her decendant-daughters will not have the skills or desire to spend the blood of their fingers to mend.

I still quite like this bit. I may take it and run with it as the focus of it's own piece.

[readilygrey]

Jul 29, 2012 21:47:01 GMT -5 PaperGrace said:

As I remember it, Toren felt that she had looked too far into some unfriendly aspect of the city, and it had noticed her. Bella Toren was a name I'd used often online and it fit the character I was writing. Now it seems trite, especially since a decade later everyone under the sun thinks of the Twilight series when they hear it.

Jul 29, 2012 21:33:13 GMT -5 PaperGrace said:

Grim cousins to Summer's cotton ball clouds, the wisps of torn batting bring discomfort; a reminder of the deterioration masked by bright lights and sharp sound here in the city--Not unlike the fretful feeling that a hole in a worn and well loved quilt brings to a woman who knows her decendant-daughters will not have the skills or desire to spend the blood of their fingers to mend.

I still quite like this bit. I may take it and run with it as the focus of it's own piece.

That was my favorite part as well. I like your use of imagery. That's the hardest part for me, I'm all dialog and action, but it seems to flow right out of you. I also liked the part about the "mocking little-girl pink." Well said.

[scribbliz]

Jul 29, 2012 21:33:13 GMT -5 PaperGrace said:

(t will still shine there-laughing like a madman when I return 'home'

I LOVED this part! I thought the whole thing flowed well, and would love to hear more of the story behind it. I have to say (even having read the twilight series twice and watched the movies) it did not come to mind in any way, even hearing the name. I think if that is the name you want to use it will become something new, and once read your story will hold more ties to the name than twilight will

[Freedom]

Exhaust blocks my way

Love this!


Wind whips the surviving pedestrians in their struggle.

Chilling. Nice placing of this taste of what's to come.

[flesheater]

This was really interesting; is there more to this? I'd like to see all of the story.

[PaperGrace]

Not really. There are a few other little bites here and there that tie in, as though part of one setting, but they don't make a continuous story. Bella Toren is a fictionalization of me in the urban fantasy world that I carry around with me in my head. (Only, she's cooler than me, and does those things I only think of after the fact in a given situation.) I really should pull more of it out and put it into words.